yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
