Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
