Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
...so i touched it.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
