I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
