Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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