Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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