if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
