You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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