i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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