Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
