I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
