I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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