I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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