Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
