Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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