my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
