Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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