it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
