Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
