my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
