You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
