We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
