I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
