If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
