That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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