I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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