I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my phone needs a breathalizer
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
