Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
