i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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