I puked a lego.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
