I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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