He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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