Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
