Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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