11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
