My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
