We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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