they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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