i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
