She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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