I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
