i need an iv and a liver transplant
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
