I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
