remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
