I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i already hear my dad disowning me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
