I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
