Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
