how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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