They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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