a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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